The Things that unravel me…
When I started writing this blog post back in May 2023 I had just deleted my social media apps, declaring it would be just for one month. Well it has been four months and I haven’t looked back, yet! I slowly realised I was in, what Jim Kwik calls, digital deluge where my brain was flooded by information and I was suffering information overwhelm. I felt like I was inhaling too much visual information which wasn’t curated by me. I had no control over what I paid attention to and the choice of imagery when scrolling for example was just too much. Instagram and facebook were obliterating any creative autonomy or energy I had. I felt like I was not performing efficiently in any area of my life and losing professional connections and creative reputation. Whether this is true is not clear but it felt that way.
So the break down of my digital exposure on my phone was 4-5 hours a day! 30% on emails and managing work related tasks, taking notes for freelance and teaching etc, a whopping 50% on messages from friends and shared groups, leaving social media at 20% of my time, so although not a heavy social media user, what was most worrying was that I constantly had my phone in my hand. Instagram and facebook being the hook, the distraction and the time waster, which I didn’t see it as a problem. I was enjoying scrolling just before bed, on the toilet (we all do it!), in the adverts in a film, on the train etc etc. It wasn’t until the penny dropped and I connected the professional inefficiency and lack of clarity I was experiencing to scrolling thousands of posts on social media that I felt compelled to do something about it.
Since deleting the social media apps from my phone I have been happier in myself, I have felt less taut and less in need of constant digital stimulation. As soon as I deleted them I felt less agitated and more inclined to get back to writing for my blog, which I hadn’t touched in years. That week, by chance an opportunity to write an article for a new website about ADHD diagnosis and writing came into my email box. It felt like an omen that this was a good move! (link to follow).
As time unravelled further and further and I was online less, my brain felt free and more flexible and I started to pay attention to the choices I was making and that I needed to slow down and ground myself. Thinking more carefully about the apps I was engaging with, which was mostly Instagram and facebook and realised that they had become too quick for where I am currently. Apps like these are a daily commitment with a continuous stream of consciousness required to maintain a ‘following’ or to interact with any continuity or meaning. Essentially they are too needy. What I needed was time and a slower pace. I work better with a longer, slower lead in time where I can spend some time mulling over what I write, then edit, think, edit, think and rinse and repeat until I am ready to post. Posting only once a month perhaps. That felt more healthy, creatively and personally.
It is also impossible to share everything you are working on when working with projects that don’t go live for a while. Having just finished working with a large paint company on a new campaign, where the project doesn’t go live until Sept 2023, along with just signing a new book contract for a US publisher, so although I am excited by all these things, I can’t share anything yet and posting anything else feels like unrelated noise.
Years ago in 2009, when I was a first year master’s student, I was creating work that was in hindsight completely disconnected from my core values or beliefs and was just noise. In a tutorial my then lecturer said ‘Caroline, stop looking around’. I sat with the comment for a while and realised he was so right. I was using exterior inspiration to lead my head, my heart and my hands, when I needed to look more inwards to what drove my true inclination. So this simple and honest feedback helped me break a cycle of useless habits and helped me build new ones. I started to pay attention to what I paid attention to, looking at where I always laid my eyes with inclination, looking at the colours and textures I chose to wear or have in my house. The artists I loved and was first inspired by and stuck with. I reflected on patterns of behaviour and set new ones, creating new methodologies while following my inclination and intuition rather then what I felt the world wanted me to make. It was the start of the authentic path I am still on today.
Since I graduated from my master’s in 2011 and especially over the past five years, I have worked hard to build solid creative business foundations that can sustain a healthy and happy practice embedded in truth and integrity. Reaching out to creative mentor Ceri Hand was integral to this and helped me hold a mirror up to myself and my critical inner voice. Helping me look and listen objectively to the conversations I was having with myself, paying attention to the language I was using and translating them into more positive affirmations, using kinder language with myself. Most recently, in response to a more anxious outlook to life, a chiropractor I was seeing suggested I listen and watch my body get older with curiosity and grace, instead of trying to stop it or control it so much. To give myself a break from trying so hard. All of these suggestions have made sense and slowly enabled a more healthy balance of life and work for me.
So providing the space for all this to unravel was well overdue and I feel like I am finding the path back to my creative myself again. Listening to those pesky internal conversations, being more objective and focused, which is reassuring and refreshing. Writing this blog has helped me again untangle some more recent thoughts and new habitual ways of being and given me much joy. My writing process has always been how I ground ideas, my values, beliefs and insights. First herding them all into one space through free writing, making lists of personal insights and mind mapping keywords, helping me make sense of my thoughts at that time, then critically editing and redefining them into sentences, paying attention to their efficacy in order to validate and expand my understanding.
Writing for an audience means I have to be accurate in what I am sharing. The process of being accurate means I have to delve deeper and spend more time analysing my words and composition, which unlocks the meaning in the blindspots of my memory, knowledge and experience. Helping me make better critical and creative decisions going forward and where I feel a higher level of authenticity is located. It also allows me to feel seen and heard on my terms, which gives me a great sense of personal satisfaction and fulfilment. So an important reminder is that making space for personal clarity is essential for growth in my creative practice and for my personal and creative mental health.
So what now? Well in the week ahead I am in Lostwithiel with creative friend and soul mate Faye Dobinson on a creative retreat, living in shepherd huts for the week, walking across tors and through woodland and perhaps even a swim in the river. We will be spending time responding to the landscape and seeing what fun we can have in good company and what art we can make. It could be a moment to share some work online but I will see how it evolves before I make any promises to myself or others. I have been tempted to go back onto social media and have posted a few bits but I continue to feel fearful of losing myself in it again, so maybe an idea to limit any posts to a project timeline could work. I do miss connecting with fellow artists and creative friends all over the world and seeing what everyone is up to and above all I love sharing what I’m up to, what I am thinking and how I see the world. I love the storytelling aspect of social media, so I haven’t deleted my social media accounts and the window is still open for when I have the work to share. So no reinstating of apps until I feel strong enough to be in control. A little like my inability to keep biscuits in the house! if they are there I’ll gorge on them until I feel sick!
So thank you so much for reading and watch this space….if you want to : )